hi.

Me again. Eight months later. Fatter than ever. No really. I haven't stepped on the scale lately, because I'm scared to see the truth, but I know for a fact that I weigh more than I ever have (Not pregnant.) There have been a few small changes in my life over the last several months. First of all, both of my little ones are now potty trained----HALLELUJAH!! Unfortunately, they didn't accomplish the potty training before I literally lost my mind. No kidding, I finally broke one afternoon and spent over 3 hours curled into the fetal position, sobbing and hitting myself in the head. My husband and mother were beginning to discuss "the options". I'm pretty sure at least one of those options included some sort of facility that included a padded room and a straight jacket. But, after a long nap, I woke up feeling better than I had in years. It was like I had just reached the point where I couldn't take any more stress and everything just poured out of me. I agreed to anti-depressants and did about 5 sessions with a counselor. Things certainly aren't perfect, but they are better.

The other big changes have included starting a home-based business, and deciding to home school my two oldest. Neither of these things come stress-free. I never leave my house now, I have no clothes that fit to wear when I do leave the house, and I'm getting fatter by the day.

So, now we're all caught up. I'm going to eat lunch now. No promises of weight loss, no big revelations about what's causing me to be fat. Just an update. And hopefully writing here will happen more often. Happy Wednesday!

That didn't last long

I haven't been back on the elliptical since Tuesday. I know, I suck. I was still doing really well at the diet....until Friday. I'm calling it my Friday Fall Down. And, I was right back to my old ways, eating chocolate chips by the handful, potato chips, chicken wings,.....ugh. What the hell is wrong with me? I'd finally made a good start, and now I have to start all over again. And of course, it's a holiday weekend---a holiday that involves a lot of freaking candy; ESPECIALLY when you have 4 kids in the house! Moms are doomed to be fat. At least, this mom is.

So, earlier in the week, when I had finally gotten on track, I was kind of excited and finding some motivation. In September, my husband and I will celebrate our 10 year anniversary. We've talked about taking a weekend trip, just us (no kids) to the same place we honeymooned. I was so thin then. So, this is kind of becoming my motivation. I really want to lose at least a majority of this weight in time for our anniversary. That is something I could really feel good about. So, now I have to get back on track and do this. Not just for me, but for my husband too. I think I can, I think I can.......

Damn Easter candy.

Yay!

Day 2! I'm existing on rabbit food and I worked out again this morning! The hardest part of this is knowing that I have to continue this for weeks, and months on end in order to see the results that I really want. I mean, anyone can workout and eat salad for a week or two....it's the follow through that I'm not good at. So, I'm doing a little 'yay', but I'm not cheering loudly yet. At least I've made a start......Now, back to my turkey and carrots for lunch. Woo...hoo....

Today

I think spring may actually be rolling in around here, and I think the sunshine is doing me some good! On the way home from dropping my older 2 at school this morning I made a very impromptu decision to stop at a park and let the little ones play. We were there for over an hour. It was great! My 2 year old begs and cries not to go home after we leave the school in the mornings, and I think he's been feeling really cooped up. As we were playing, I kept noticing my shadow. It was huge. I just really can't believe how big I've gotten again in the last couple of months.

We came home, I fed the kids and put them down for naps. Then, I walked to my room, and put on......work out clothes! I'm not kidding!! But, before coming down to work out, I forced myself to step on the scale. 203 this morning. This is it. I have to do this now. I did 240 reps on the AB Lounge, and 20 minutes (hard and fast!) on the elliptical. Yep, I actually got ON that damn elliptical. I did it, I did it!! And honestly, it feels great! I actually do love to work out! I love how I feel afterwards, I love knowing that I'm taking care of myself; but somehow I always forget that feeling. When I'm not working out regularly, then I see working out as a pain in the ass, too much effort, time consuming, blah, blah, blah. But it's really NOT that bad when you actually just do it. Now the trick will be to keep at it. One day doesn't really count for anything if I don't keep doing it. But, TODAY I did it. TODAY I made the effort. TODAY I can feel good about myself and my choices. TODAY is a good day.

I'm the BIG Sister

I have one sister. She is two years younger than me, she is tall, thin, blond-haired, blue-eyed, and yep, I'm jealous. Over the past couple of years, she had put on some weight and was up to a size 12 (Heaven forbid!) As I mentioned in a previous post, she recently got married on the beach, so for months she was dieting and losing weight. However, she never did exercise, and she didn't really change how she ate; just smaller portions. The weight literally just FELL off of her. Right before her wedding, she was diagnosed with a serious thyroid disorder that was causing her weight loss. And you know what? I was jealous of that too. If not well controlled, this disease she has can be life threatening, and yet, I still have moments when I wish I had it! Seriously, take a pill every day to control your thyroid? Big whoop if it means I can be skinny again without the pain of actually working at it! I know, I know, I'm already sick.

My sister is the only skinny one in our family. My mom is fat because she's lazy and she still has emotional issues from having an abusive father. My dad is fat because he snacks obsessively in order to cope with my mom's nagging and whining. My sister is also the only one with blond hair and blue eyes. Sometimes I wonder if she was adopted, and I think sometimes she wishes she were.

So, anyhow, she lost all this weight for the wedding (because she has a disease) and now she's bound and determined not to gain it back. She sacked up an entire huge garbage bag FULL of size 12 clothes and gave them to me. They are REALLY nice clothes----something I don't have. I don't EVER shop for myself. About once or twice a year I may notice that a majority of my shirts have stains or holes, so I will grab a couple new ones off the $5 clearance rack at Walmart. That is how I shop for clothes, and I'm not exaggerating. So, I was excited to see all those beautiful clothes she gave me. But in order to wear them, I have to lose about 6 sizes. I think she thought she was doing me a favor, and I appreciate the thought, but really, I kind of just want to slap her. Like, I have to lose SIX sizes in order to fit into my little sister's FAT CLOTHES. What the hell does that make MY clothes?! Super Fatty McFat Clothes, apparently.

Last night, my sister watched my four kids so the hubs and I could go out to dinner and a movie for the first time in 2 years. I was excited, and of course wanted to dress up and look nice. The first several shirts I put on literally ripped at the seems as I tried to pull them over my head. The next one I actually got on, and then got stuck inside because the sleeves were so tight around my ginormous arms. I admit it, I had a mini-panic attack as I envisioned having to literally cut myself out of that damn shirt. I finally found one that was comfortable. When I stepped in front of the mirror I wanted to cry. I look pregnant. That's how much my gut sticks out. My youngest baby is almost 18 months old, and I still look about 7 months pregnant. It's really hard to feel sexy when you know you look like a marshmallow. We had a fun evening, but the whole time I was pulling at my shirt and silently worrying about whether or not my fat rolls were showing through it. Literally the FIRST time out alone with my husband in TWO years and I couldn't really enjoy it because I was so self-conscious. See, when you have ABSOLUTELY NO social life, it's REALLY easy to believe that your weight isn't affecting your self-esteem, or your interactions with people around you. But then, when all of a sudden you find yourself in a social situation----even with someone as familiar as your husband----all those insecurities come rushing at you, and it's pretty undeniable in that moment that the weight is a problem.

The weight is a problem. Well, I guess admitting the problem is the first step to fixing it.....

Avoidance

I've gotten REALLY good at a 'avoidance.' It's why I haven't posted to this blog in weeks. I don't want to face the reality of the fact that I'm fat, and that I MUST do something about it, so I avoid anything and everything that reminds me of it. I've noticed that in the last 8 years (since I started staying home with kids) that avoidance is one of the things I do best. When I'm home alone with kids during the day, I avoid answering the door. If you don't call me first and tell me you are coming over, then I'm not available to open the door for you. I avoid answering the phone to anyone who may be asking for something, or whom I just am really not in the mood to talk to----which most of the time is everyone! I love caller ID. Yep, Avoiding things is one of my best talents.

But, I've just decided I'm done. I'm done avoiding the fact that I'm fat. I'm done avoiding the fact that I HAVE to do something about it. I'm done avoiding the scale just because I don't like the number on it. I'm done avoiding this blog just because posting on it makes me feel like I'm admitting my failures. I have to admit my failures in order to change them.....right? Blah, blah, blah with the psycho babble. The point is, I can't avoid this anymore. It's time to face this and deal with it. NO MORE AVOIDING! Starting tomorrow.

Change is Coming.....Slowly

My cardiologist called back yesterday. I have a small leak in my tricuspid valve that, while not normal, is common. It's not bad enough to do anything about it at this point, other than monitor it once a year. In the same breath he said they also found slight pulmonary hypertension. From what I've read (and I may be wrong!) valve leakage can cause added pressure on the heart. So, I didn't ask, "is the hypertension being caused by the leak, or by the fact that I'm a fat ass?" I figure at this point it's probably just safer to assume that it's the fact that I'm a fat ass, and do something about it.

Nope, haven't stepped a foot near the elliptical. But, this morning for breakfast I ate a banana, and for lunch I ate a chicken salsa 'salad' (canned chicken stirred in with home made salsa). That's ALL I've eaten today! I'm pretty proud of you know, exercising a little bit of self-control for a whole 10 hours! Woo-hoo! Go me! Dinner is about an hour away though and I have no idea what we're having. I'll have a husband and 4 small children who will not want to eat rabbit food, and this is where the real test will begin. Wish me luck!