Yay!

Day 2! I'm existing on rabbit food and I worked out again this morning! The hardest part of this is knowing that I have to continue this for weeks, and months on end in order to see the results that I really want. I mean, anyone can workout and eat salad for a week or two....it's the follow through that I'm not good at. So, I'm doing a little 'yay', but I'm not cheering loudly yet. At least I've made a start......Now, back to my turkey and carrots for lunch. Woo...hoo....

Today

I think spring may actually be rolling in around here, and I think the sunshine is doing me some good! On the way home from dropping my older 2 at school this morning I made a very impromptu decision to stop at a park and let the little ones play. We were there for over an hour. It was great! My 2 year old begs and cries not to go home after we leave the school in the mornings, and I think he's been feeling really cooped up. As we were playing, I kept noticing my shadow. It was huge. I just really can't believe how big I've gotten again in the last couple of months.

We came home, I fed the kids and put them down for naps. Then, I walked to my room, and put on......work out clothes! I'm not kidding!! But, before coming down to work out, I forced myself to step on the scale. 203 this morning. This is it. I have to do this now. I did 240 reps on the AB Lounge, and 20 minutes (hard and fast!) on the elliptical. Yep, I actually got ON that damn elliptical. I did it, I did it!! And honestly, it feels great! I actually do love to work out! I love how I feel afterwards, I love knowing that I'm taking care of myself; but somehow I always forget that feeling. When I'm not working out regularly, then I see working out as a pain in the ass, too much effort, time consuming, blah, blah, blah. But it's really NOT that bad when you actually just do it. Now the trick will be to keep at it. One day doesn't really count for anything if I don't keep doing it. But, TODAY I did it. TODAY I made the effort. TODAY I can feel good about myself and my choices. TODAY is a good day.

I'm the BIG Sister

I have one sister. She is two years younger than me, she is tall, thin, blond-haired, blue-eyed, and yep, I'm jealous. Over the past couple of years, she had put on some weight and was up to a size 12 (Heaven forbid!) As I mentioned in a previous post, she recently got married on the beach, so for months she was dieting and losing weight. However, she never did exercise, and she didn't really change how she ate; just smaller portions. The weight literally just FELL off of her. Right before her wedding, she was diagnosed with a serious thyroid disorder that was causing her weight loss. And you know what? I was jealous of that too. If not well controlled, this disease she has can be life threatening, and yet, I still have moments when I wish I had it! Seriously, take a pill every day to control your thyroid? Big whoop if it means I can be skinny again without the pain of actually working at it! I know, I know, I'm already sick.

My sister is the only skinny one in our family. My mom is fat because she's lazy and she still has emotional issues from having an abusive father. My dad is fat because he snacks obsessively in order to cope with my mom's nagging and whining. My sister is also the only one with blond hair and blue eyes. Sometimes I wonder if she was adopted, and I think sometimes she wishes she were.

So, anyhow, she lost all this weight for the wedding (because she has a disease) and now she's bound and determined not to gain it back. She sacked up an entire huge garbage bag FULL of size 12 clothes and gave them to me. They are REALLY nice clothes----something I don't have. I don't EVER shop for myself. About once or twice a year I may notice that a majority of my shirts have stains or holes, so I will grab a couple new ones off the $5 clearance rack at Walmart. That is how I shop for clothes, and I'm not exaggerating. So, I was excited to see all those beautiful clothes she gave me. But in order to wear them, I have to lose about 6 sizes. I think she thought she was doing me a favor, and I appreciate the thought, but really, I kind of just want to slap her. Like, I have to lose SIX sizes in order to fit into my little sister's FAT CLOTHES. What the hell does that make MY clothes?! Super Fatty McFat Clothes, apparently.

Last night, my sister watched my four kids so the hubs and I could go out to dinner and a movie for the first time in 2 years. I was excited, and of course wanted to dress up and look nice. The first several shirts I put on literally ripped at the seems as I tried to pull them over my head. The next one I actually got on, and then got stuck inside because the sleeves were so tight around my ginormous arms. I admit it, I had a mini-panic attack as I envisioned having to literally cut myself out of that damn shirt. I finally found one that was comfortable. When I stepped in front of the mirror I wanted to cry. I look pregnant. That's how much my gut sticks out. My youngest baby is almost 18 months old, and I still look about 7 months pregnant. It's really hard to feel sexy when you know you look like a marshmallow. We had a fun evening, but the whole time I was pulling at my shirt and silently worrying about whether or not my fat rolls were showing through it. Literally the FIRST time out alone with my husband in TWO years and I couldn't really enjoy it because I was so self-conscious. See, when you have ABSOLUTELY NO social life, it's REALLY easy to believe that your weight isn't affecting your self-esteem, or your interactions with people around you. But then, when all of a sudden you find yourself in a social situation----even with someone as familiar as your husband----all those insecurities come rushing at you, and it's pretty undeniable in that moment that the weight is a problem.

The weight is a problem. Well, I guess admitting the problem is the first step to fixing it.....

Avoidance

I've gotten REALLY good at a 'avoidance.' It's why I haven't posted to this blog in weeks. I don't want to face the reality of the fact that I'm fat, and that I MUST do something about it, so I avoid anything and everything that reminds me of it. I've noticed that in the last 8 years (since I started staying home with kids) that avoidance is one of the things I do best. When I'm home alone with kids during the day, I avoid answering the door. If you don't call me first and tell me you are coming over, then I'm not available to open the door for you. I avoid answering the phone to anyone who may be asking for something, or whom I just am really not in the mood to talk to----which most of the time is everyone! I love caller ID. Yep, Avoiding things is one of my best talents.

But, I've just decided I'm done. I'm done avoiding the fact that I'm fat. I'm done avoiding the fact that I HAVE to do something about it. I'm done avoiding the scale just because I don't like the number on it. I'm done avoiding this blog just because posting on it makes me feel like I'm admitting my failures. I have to admit my failures in order to change them.....right? Blah, blah, blah with the psycho babble. The point is, I can't avoid this anymore. It's time to face this and deal with it. NO MORE AVOIDING! Starting tomorrow.

Change is Coming.....Slowly

My cardiologist called back yesterday. I have a small leak in my tricuspid valve that, while not normal, is common. It's not bad enough to do anything about it at this point, other than monitor it once a year. In the same breath he said they also found slight pulmonary hypertension. From what I've read (and I may be wrong!) valve leakage can cause added pressure on the heart. So, I didn't ask, "is the hypertension being caused by the leak, or by the fact that I'm a fat ass?" I figure at this point it's probably just safer to assume that it's the fact that I'm a fat ass, and do something about it.

Nope, haven't stepped a foot near the elliptical. But, this morning for breakfast I ate a banana, and for lunch I ate a chicken salsa 'salad' (canned chicken stirred in with home made salsa). That's ALL I've eaten today! I'm pretty proud of you know, exercising a little bit of self-control for a whole 10 hours! Woo-hoo! Go me! Dinner is about an hour away though and I have no idea what we're having. I'll have a husband and 4 small children who will not want to eat rabbit food, and this is where the real test will begin. Wish me luck!

My Heart Just Isn't In It Yet........

Sooooo....like I said, I'm not good at follow-through. Unfortunately, this blog is not immune from that.

Good news is, I had a real wake-up call regarding the baby and the wheat allergy. I managed to totally avoid wheat for a whole week---and saw all of the last symptoms finally clear up. Then, a friend was in town and we just had to have Chinese food for lunch. I *tried* to avoid anything that OBVIOUSLY had wheat in it, but I must have eaten something because that night the baby had HUGE red welts all over the hip area. I felt so terrible, I cried. And now, if I wouldn't feed it to the baby, I don't eat it either.

Bad news is, there are a LOT of gluten free options out there (well, actually I guess in a lot of ways, that's good news....) but a lot of them aren't so healthy. So while I had initially thought this may jump start my weight loss, I don't think that's going to be the case. For lunch just now I ate 2 gluten free chocolate cupcakes (the 5 year-old turned 6 yesterday), and half a bag of jalapeno potato chips. Oh, and of course the can of Coke Zero. Not exactly weight loss friendly.

Oh, and I now have even more compelling reasons for losing this weight. I developed a heart murmur while pregnant with the baby and it never went away. I've seen a couple of cardiologists and may finally be close to an answer as to what the problem is. The cardiologist I saw last week told me I need to cut out all caffeine immediately because it could be contributing to the heart palpitations I've been having. He also said I need to exercise more, so as to build up my cardiac endurance for exertion---in other words, so I don't feel like I'm going to pass out after I haul the 2 year old up one flight of stairs. Honestly, I don't feel like that after one flight....but I don't know if I could do two. So, a CARDIOLOGIST has officially told me that I'm overweight, out of shape, and that my heart may be suffering for it; and what am I doing at this moment? Ignoring the elliptical sitting two feet from me and slugging down a Coke Zero.

I can't be the only human being on the planet like this, right? Last week, the doctor asked me WHY I don't exercise more. He didn't even pause to wait from my answer before he said, "No time?...." as if that's the answer he always hears. I hesitated and said, "Yeah, that's part of it...." and he moved on. The honest answer has nothing to do with time. Yeah, I have 4 kids, two of them ages 1 and 2. Yeah, my husband works 60+ hours a week. Yeah, I spend two hours a day just getting commuting with the kids to and from school. That's really not an excuse, and I totally know it. The honest answer is that I have no motivation. I think that's most people's honest answer, whether they can even admit it to themselves or not. I could get on that elliptical right now. Yep, I sure could. But, the fact is, I don't want to, and there's no one here to make me, and I can tell myself I will start tomorrow, so, you can be pretty certain that elliptical will not get used today.

My motivation is starting to pick up a bit though. When a cardiologist tells you your heart could be in trouble at the age of 32, well, that starts to stir a little motivation. Maybe, just maybe, I'll get on the elliptical.....tomorrow......