My little sister is getting married on the beach this week and I can't be there. I have 4 small children, a husband who is working 60 hours a week, and no one else I trust to take care of the kids for a week. My parents even offered to pay for my trip, and I turned them down. Who does that?! Who turns down a free trip to Hawaii?! At the time they booked the trip, I thought 'maybe' my in-laws might be able to stay with my kids, but they are aging and I wasn't totally comfortable with it. Better to decide then not to go, before the money had already been spent. I totally admit that in a lot of ways it was a huge relief to not be going. I think I must be depressed or something. The thought of just leaving my house stresses me out. What will I wear? Who will I run into that will leave me feeling embarrassed about how I look? Will the kids behave? Will my 16.5 month old, whom everyone in the free world has apparently decided is WAY too old to still be nursing, cry at me for milk in front of someone? Will the two year old pee or poop his pants? The list goes on and on and on. It's just so much easier to just stay home. A couple of weeks ago I actually got invited to a local playgroup with some other moms. None of whom I had ever even met, but it was probably a good setting for getting to know some new people. The two-year-old had croup and we couldn't go and I almost had to restrain myself from doing a Happy Dance.
I'm not saying that if I got skinny I would suddenly no longer be depressed and I would be filled with endless amounts of positive self-esteem; but I think it could help. So, why is it so dang hard to find the motivation? I woke up again this morning and was thinking about yesterday's post. You know, where I said that when I lost weight in college it just fell right off. I was doing a diet back then that was virtually no carbs. So this morning I decided I was going to start that today. I could do it. I did it then, it just takes a little will power, I can do it again. And I will be thin, and trim, and I won't be embarrassed to take my kids to that new water park that they've been begging to go to for a year. I was going to do it. For real this time!
An hour later I was in the middle of eating 4 donuts. Our neighbor brought over these applesauce cake donuts a few days ago that were really dry. It was like something possessed me and before I new it, I was melting butter in a saute pan and frying the dried up donuts in it. Oh my goodness they were yummy. Crispy, and buttery, and warm......and that was the end of it. So much for my will power. It lasted all of an hour (during which I was driving my kids to school and I had no food within reach anyway so it doesn't really count.)
Pretty sure I'm probably depressed and my self-esteem is locked away in the back of the storage shed somewhere. But, then again, those are just more excuses, aren't they? I mean, really, if I were MY mommy, there's no way I would put up with my bad attitude, disrespect, gluttony, and whining. I'd have spanked myself and sent myself to my room until I was ready to "act nicely." So why can't I do that? Why can't I 'Mommy' myself into losing this weight? Why can't I act the way that I expect my kids to act? Hmmmmmm.....this is getting a little deep, and I think I'm going to stop before I need a psych degree to get out of it.
Nonetheless, I WILL try harder......tomorrow......
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