Food is My 'Want To'

One of my favorite movie lines is from the Steve Martin flick, "Parenthood". There's a scene where Martin's character has just angrily and abruptly quit his job when he learns he's been passed over for a promotion. He comes home to have his wife inform him that he must beg for his job back because she is unexpectedly pregnant. Martin's character stomps out the door yelling at his son that they have to get to a Little League that he is coaching. When his wife asks him if he has to go, Martin turns back and snarls, "My whole life is 'HAVE TO'!"

I quite often feel that way. There's not a lot of 'want to' in my life right now. That's what happens when you have kids. Everything becomes 'have to.' I have to get up in the morning. I have to make breakfast. I have to get 4 kids out the door. I have to change diapers and I have to make clean up the spilled milk. I have to do the dishes and the laundry. I have to feed the dog and mop the floor. I have to pick the kids up. I have to make sure homework is done and lunches are packed. I have to pay the bills, and I have to go to the grocery store with 4 little children in tow. I have to, I have to, I have to.

I really can't think of a lot of 'want to' in my life that can actually happen. Oh sure, I have a long list in my head of things I want to do,....someday.....but, on a daily basis, there are very few things I do for the sole reason that I just wanted to. Eating is one thing I do because I want to. Damn it, when the little ones go down for a nap, sometimes I just want to sit in front of the tv with a jar of peanut butter, a bag of chocolate chips, and a spoon. And what's so wrong with that if it's the one 'want to' in my life?!

I know, I know, I know. What about wanting to lose weight, be healthy, be happier, be more confident, feel better, feel sexier, on and on and on. Yep, I want all those things to. I sincerely do. I REALLY do. But, in order for those things to happen, there's a whole lot of 'have to' that has to happen first. I have to eat healthier (no more peanut butter and chocolate), I have to exercise (a LOT), I have to be committed to a life style change, and I have to be patient because to lose this much weight will take months. It's a lot of hard work that will HAVE TO be accomplished in order to reach those 'want to' goals. But when I choose to just sit and eat peanut butter and chocolate, that's a want to with no have to involved. I just do it, right in that moment, just because I want to.

Of course, there is have to that goes along with the want to of eating. It's the consequences that I have to deal with when I'm done eating. The result of eating just because I want to is that I now weigh 200 pounds, I'm wearing a size 18W, my knees hurt, and I'm incredibly self-conscious. And that's a lot of consequences. I guess everything really is 'have to' in some way or another. The question is, which 'have to' do I 'want to' live with?